In this day and age, the following tale is all too common: A couple meets, instantly clicks, goes on dates, begins to live together, and then realises one of them doesn’t want to be married. Perhaps one person is hesitant to commit, they have different ideas about what a wedding should entail, or someone simply intuitively knows they don’t want to get married. What happens after that?
You may frequently find yourself at this fork in the path. The Pew Research Centre reported in May 2020 that millennials were less likely to get married than earlier generations were. In 2019, just 44% of people their age were married, compared to 61% of Boomers and 53% of Gen Xers. The proportion of Black millennials fell to 24%. Additionally, the COVID-19 pandemic made this pattern worse: Across generations, the marriage rate fell. A research published in Socius: Sociological Research for a Dynamic World in December concluded that the pandemic caused housing, professional, and financial instability, all of which might influence someone’s thoughts about saying “I do.”
In conclusion, there are many potential elements and outcomes that may be involved. Couples therapist Janet Zinn in New York says, “It’s really important to explore the deeper understanding of what marriage means to both of you.” “At best, it will foster a closer bond between us. And it’s crucial to recognise if you don’t share the same ideals so you can go on.
In a roundtable discussion, Zinn and ten other relationship experts share suggestions for how to handle the circumstance.
Start with a direct discussion
According to hypnotherapist, author, and educator Rachel Astarte, “communication can clear up a lot of confusion.”
Kali Rogers, a life coach, adds “Discuss what marriage means to you both. Some people think getting married indicates they’ve succeeded financially in life. Others see it as a rite that gets you ready to create a family, according to Rogers. People place varied values and expectations on things, therefore it’s critical to comprehend where each of you are coming from. This discussion could lead to future opportunities. It will, at the at least, clarify some significant issues for you and, most likely, your spouse.
Believe in Your Partner’s Needs
According to psychologist Michele Paiva, “participate in the radical idea that your partner is correct, that they know what is best for them, and that marriage, now or ever, may not be right for them.” The last thing you want is for your spouse to merely go along for the trip if they are aware that they are not interested in exchanging vows. The very least you can do is listen without passing judgement if they respect you enough to be open with you
Additionally, it’s critical to comprehend your partner’s perspective, particularly if it involves fear. According to Tina B. Tessina, a psychologist and co-author of How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together, “Fear of commitment is actually fear of loss.” “Committing to anything entails accepting the possibility that it won’t work out. Some people ‘guard’ themselves by remaining distant and not committing because they may have been hurt or rejected in the past. They are only genuinely protected from being content in a relationship; nothing else. Others choose not to commit because their relationship isn’t ‘perfect’ enough – yet another reason to put off making a commitment.
Tessina adopts a rigid stance: “Leaving is the only way to convince a commitment-phobic spouse to commit. There is no need to commit as long as they get to spend time with you.
Why Is Marriage Important, You Might Ask?
This fact was pounded home by almost all experts. According to Zinn, “sometimes we enter marriage because that is the social construct and we never ask ourselves if it is right for us.” Start by challenging your stance.
Sometimes you hang onto a goal from your youth without giving it proper thought. According to April Masini, a relationship specialist based in New York, it could no longer be effective for you. Life is fluid, so while having a plan for the future is excellent, it shouldn’t be set in stone. There are so many ways that life may derail our goals, whether it’s a change of heart, a death, a job loss, or an accident.
Are you two happy together, do you want to stay together, and do you see no cause or chance of breaking up any time soon, except from the ceremony and the piece of paper? inquires life coach and psychotherapist Nicole Martinez. If you’re being honest, does this represent what society or your family has instilled in you and something that doesn’t really important to you that much?
Paiva adds. “You might have to decide whether your desire is for marriage or for this particular person.” You already know the solution if you must get married and this individual is adamantly opposed to it. However, if this issue is causing you to consider ending a relationship, make sure marriage is what you truly desire. She responds, “That’s fine, it respects authenticity.” “Mutual commitment, not obligation or guilt, is the foundation of a good marriage.”
Take into account alternative wedding ceremonies
Ask your spouse if they disagree with the idea of marriage or the formal process, advises Astarte. There are various ways to publicly show your love for one another, but marriage may sometimes wind up feeling more like a commercial transaction than a celebration of love.In place of legal weddings, she suggests a meaningful ritual like a commitment ceremony. “You both may be able to arrive at a compromise that will allow you to honour your relationship in a formal way by sharing your viewpoints in a supportive and nonjudgmental way,” Astarte advises. “Rituals are a crucial component of interpersonal communication. They bring the transient and aetheric facets of love to the earthly realm. They effectively combine the two worlds.
Samantha Daniels, a seasoned matchmaker and the creator of The Dating Lounge, says, “The important thing here is to be true to yourself and what you can genuinely be happy with.
You’re Invited to Couple’s Therapy
“Go to couples’ therapy to determine if the relationship is worthy of saving,” psychologist Dr. Jennifer Rhodes tells Bustle. “It is recommended to look into the issue early however, if you find yourself at a moment of conflict, discussing all options with an expert can assist both parties in making sound choices,” she says.
“If your spouse doesn’t want to marry you and you are then you shouldn’t have to quit,” says Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin Counselor and co-founder of The Marriage Restoration Project. “Sometimes one spouse is under pressure and is hesitant to make a commitment.” However, time will alter the situation, Slatkin says. “While you don’t necessarily want to sit around for forever but if you receive help with your relationship and try to establish a safe and stronger relationship, and becoming more aware of your relationship,” he says, “you could be able overcome the gap and notice things changing.”
Know When to Leave A Relationship
“It all boils down happiness: Are you content not getting married, or do you wish to have all day wedding and forever happily forever?” asks relationship coach and psychic medium Melinda Carver. “If you can’t imagine having a fairytale wedding with all the frills large dress, cake and honeymoon, then it’s time for one last chat with your spouse. Share your thoughts about the necessity of creating a relationship that is legal and lasting. If your spouse doesn’t accept your proposal, you need to choose what you’ll decide: either stay and resent them or go to find an alternative.”
Masini adds Masini, “You can go and find the person who is more in line with what you are looking for in your life, or decide that the individual and this relationship you’ve built matters more than the goal and then re-evaluate it.”